Bored in the Ministry of Magic
by FlamingQuill
Summary: Mundungus Fletcher comes to the Ministry of Magic. But, as with all government institutes, it's nothing but boredom... That is, until a certain Senior Undersecretary walks by...


**Author's Note:** Discover what happens when people get bored at the Ministry of Magic...

Mundungus Fletcher waited, stretched out on a bench, yawning in utter and complete boredom. Those who passed by him were giving him a very wide berth, even occasionally holding their noses, and gasping for breath when they finally escaped the range of his stench. Dung glanced down at his watch. He had gotten here early. He wasn't supposed to see the Comittee on Experimental Charms for another half an hour.

Soo... time to kill... Dung looked around at the hall at large. It was hard looking for faces with his vantage point, so he looked at the feet. One particular pair caught his slightly yellow, hazily hung-over eyes. A pair of pink high heels were clicking by in very small, hurried steps. They walked fussily by. There was a break in the crowd, and Mundungus saw who the feet belonged to. A short, squallid woman with a face like a toad wearing a horrible pink cardigan pattered past, turning up her nose in distaste at this befoulment sitting on her ministry bench.

"G'day, Miss Undersec'rtry." Mundungus slurred, tipping his filthy hat. Umbridge chose to ignore him, and pitter-pattered past him stiffly into a lift.

A grin started on Mundungus' face. He clambered to his feet. "Wait!" He called. "Hol' the el'vator!" Luckily, Kingsley Shacklebolt happened to be on that particular lift, and so Mundungus' request was honored. "Much obliged, mister-"

"Shacklebolt." Kingsley replied in his deep slow voice. Of course, the two knew each other well, but as Umbridge was present, they had to pretend that they'd never met. Dung held up his hand, and Kingsley shook it, making sure that Mundungus didn't try to pickpocket him. After all, this was _Mundungus_ he was shaking hands with. "So, I've given you my name." Kingsley said smoothly, satisfied that nothing had been stolen from him. "What is your name?"

"Mundungus Fletcher!" Dung cried flambouyantly, swinging an arm so violently that he accidentally knocked Umbridge's fussy little bouree to the ground. Her lip curled in avid disgust.

"You will pick that up, sir." She started to say in her poisonously sweet simper, but broke off on the last word when she saw the state of Mundungus' hands and wand. His wand was covered with muck, and splinters were sticking out all over the place. Muttering darkly, Umbridge, as there was no room to bend down in the lift, pulled out her short thick wand and hissed, "_Accio!_" So vehement was her spell, the hat flew far over all their heads. Mundungus, like the gentleman he was, or thought he was, reached up and plucked it out of the air. He offered the hat to Umbridge.

"Yer hat, Miss Undersec'rtry." He said politely. Umbridge's lip curled in utter horror.

"You may keep the hat," she said softly. Her voice was extra sweet. Dung knew that meant she was about ready to blow, but he decided to keep prodding the mine.

"But it's yer hat, Miss Undersec'rtry, it won' look no good on me," Mundungus said, with equal sweetness despite his drunken slur.

"You really are as stupid as all the stories I've heard about you, Mr. Fletcher." Umbridge simpered. "I thought it impossible, but I have seen with my own eyes testament to their truth."

"Now, Miss Undersec'rtry," Mundungus whined, trying unsuccessfully to make puppy-dog eyes. "That ain't no nice way ter talk ter a fella. What've I done, 'sides 'andin' you yer hat?"

Just then, a cool female voice announced that they'd arrived at the top level. "Well, this's my stop." Dung slurred, waving behind him and stepping out. Umbridge lividly pranced outside of the lift, and Kingsley and several other employees, all of which (except the polite Kingsley) appearing glad to be out of that confined space with Mundungus' odor.

"You cannot be serious that _this_ is where you meant to go!" Umbridge said angrilly, meaning her voice was sweeter than cotton candy. She even threw in a frilly giggle. Mundungus grinned. He was _really_ getting under her skin.

"Well, why shouldn' it be?" he protested, sticking out his chest and flinging out his arms behind him in an enormous shrug. "I got me some infamation on UNdeeesirable Number One!" Two people in the room froze. Everyone else ignored this seemingly drunken outburst. One of the two people was Kingsley Shacklebolt on the way to his cubicle. The other was Umbridge. But nobody seemed to notice Kingsley.

"Undesirable Number One?" Umbridge asked keenly, now smiling welcomingly. "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place!" she giggled with glee. "Please," she said, smiling, "come into my office and we'll discuss it."

"Sounds good, Miss Undersec'rtry."

"Please, call me Dolores."

"Right-o, Dorothy!" Mundungus crowed loudly, turning several heads. Umbridge ignored this deliberate misnomer. Underneath his robes, Mundungus pointed his wand at Umbridge's door. He willed a charm. Umbridge reached out her hand to open the door. The knob refused to turn.

Umbridge frowned. "That's funny, I don't recall having..." she gave the knob an extra hard tug, "... locked it..." Mundugus's wand tip pointed unnoticed at her head from behind._ Confundo._ Umbridge turned around, a blank, vacant look on her face. "What was I just doing...?" she asked, looking utterly confused.

"You was just askin' me out, Dolores." Mundungus replied, swaggering over to her and putting his arm around her shoulder. Dung looked up at the hall. Kingsley had moved on, but Dung could sense he was listening in. He had no special 'sixth sense' to tell him this, it was just common sense. Shacklebolt as an auror, in the Order of the Pheonix, and had just heard a fellow Order member proclaim he was about to betray Harry Potter.

"Was I?" Umbridge asked, shocked.

"Oh, yeah." Mundungus said, grinning at her, displaying his motley collection of teeth. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Umbridge, still under the haze of the Confundus Charm, didn't pull away like she normally would have done.

A few ministry workers walking by saw this, and either looked shocked or simply sniggered.

"You was really layin' it on thick, about howz you think I'm so manly, an' all." Mundungus said this so nonchalantly, even the straightest of laces couldn't help but snort with laughter. "But really, babe, ye've gotta learn not to throw yourself at me so. I know how you feel about me, but really." He held up a chiding finger, removing his arm from her shoulder. "We're in an office. Ye've gotta be..." he thumbed the air, looking for an appropriate word, "circ'mspeckled."

"Circumspeckled." Umbridge repeated blandly. Right now, her confused mind was soaking up every word he said like a sponge.

"Now, don' get me wrong," Dung continued, "I think yer' a fearsome gal, but yer not my type. I know this'll hurt yer, but I've got other wimmin ter think of. What would they think if I started an affair with the Senior Undersec'rtry? What would the Minister think?"

Rita Skeeter from the Daily Prophet had just stepped off the lift. She froze at the sound of the word 'affair.' She dug hastily into her bag for a certain acid green quill and some parchment.

"I've been thinkin' lately, Dolores, and I think it's time we sep'rated. I know yer upset," with the sound of the word upset, tears began to form in Umbridge's eyes, "but I just can' keep on bein' so selfish. I'm distractin' you from yer Ministry work. We've got the country to think of, babe."

On the other side of the room, the acid quill whizzed and whirled excitedly, not even bothering to twist the situation to add flavor.

"Please, don' go beggin' me ter take you back, Dolores. I don' need you ter make another scene with me-"

"But Mundungus!" Umbridge whimpered, taking Dung by completely delighted surprise. "I don't know how I can live without you! I love you, Mundungus Fletcher! I love you!" These last proclamations were wailed so loudly that all the sounds and activities in the office ceased. "I love you, and I don't care who knows it!"

Mundungus planted a kiss on Umbridge's toadlike face. "That'll have to be the last one, darlin'." he said, sounding rueful. "It's either the job, or me."

"I take you! I take you!" She wailed. But then, a change started to come over her face. The Confundus Charm was fading and loosing its control. Mundungus blew a kiss, turned tail, and ran for his life.

Mundungus reached the main level before he heard Umbridge's outraged shriek: "Get that man! I want him _arrested!_ Do you understand!" With not a moment to spare, Dung flung himself into one of the fireplaces, and shouted a random location. Where he went next, he didn't care. Whooping with laughter, Mundungus Fletcher was whipped out of sight.


End file.
